One Man – One View

January 26, 2009

Thank You for Letting Me Know I’m Fat!

Filed under: Family,health,Uncategorized,Writing — onemanoneview @ 10:19 AM

I am a recovering anorexic. I am not overweight I am under-tall. I am not fat I’m vertically challenged. I’m not obese I’m tons of fun! You know the routine right? These are lines the rotund throw back at rude people as a bit of comedic relief trying to diffuse an otherwise awkward moment. An awkward moment brought about when the rude feel the civic obligation to publicly alert you to the fact that you are on the weighty side of life.

Apparently the mystique of heavy people is that they are jolly and of great humor. This is apparently why self righteous skinny people think that it is ok to publicly mock a person about their weight problem. It is a social reality that most wouldn’t give a thought to, unless of course they are on the portly side of life! Bulky people are used to the sneers they receive as they bull their way to the front of the all you can eat burrito bar. Worse yet if in a crowded room someone lets rip a silent nasty odor that would gag a pig who does everyone immediately cast their gaze upon? That’s right- the unjustly accused elephantine one.

I admit it- I have the apparent metabolism of desk lamp. I also have the genetic background that would make most NFL offensive lines envious. I work at a job that requires sitting on my ever expanding lower forty for ten hours a day. During those ten hours the extent of my physical demands are two index fingers for slow typing, manipulating a mouse with one hand and flapping my lips incessantly. At work my aerobic exercise is limited to walks to the cafeteria. Before you continue to be judgmental I do want to let you know that it is in fact a very, very long walk to the cafeteria.

It is not as though I don’t exercise for indeed I do. I do at least one sit-up a day, (in bed when the alarm sounds). I do squats regularly but we won’t provide details beyond that and I do twelve ounce curls with high reps every chance that I get. Lunges are a regular part of my routine as well- especially if there is only one slice of pizza left. I know that these efforts are paying off because I sweat regularly and I am frequently out of breath. Frequent muscle cramps may be another indicator.

Just to be sure I went to the doctor for a check-up and he said I was in great shape- round, (insert symbol crash here)! But seriously how does a doctor help a fat guy like me? He says that because you are fat you have high blood pressure and high cholesterol as was evidenced by the egg yolk he saw when he drew my blood. In response to that revelation he provides me with Avapro to lower my blood pressure and Lipitor to lower my cholesterol. Good thinking because now why do I need to lose weight? Do they have a pill that will stop my wheezing when climbing a flight of stairs as well? That would make my life complete!

I must now close this rambling dissertation regarding how you overly skinny and sickly looking people treat pleasantly plump people like myself because I just dropped my three cheese Danish on the key board and really need to lick the keyboard clean. But as I end I do ask that you ridiculously small people to continue to remind us of our gargantuan stature because quite frankly it’s something we had not yet noticed on our own. In the mean time if you are wondering where I am I will be the one “crop dusting” in a crowded room. Obviously!

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3 Comments »

  1. I don’t know what to say. You mean you’re fa fa fa I can’t bring myself to say it fa fa fat? What a whiner. Why don’t you go walk out on the ice so I can see if it’s safe to drive my car on it… hahahahahaha oh and by the way, your toenails need clipping since you haven’t seen them in a while! hahahahaha People pick on me because I’m balding and you don’t see me crying about it you big sissy. Seriously though in 2 weekends I could use you for the winni ice derby….hahahahahaha If I’ve upset you I would suggest calling a friend over to drink Jack……..you have my number.

    Comment by Tom — January 26, 2009 @ 2:35 PM | Reply

  2. I called you portly. I apologize.

    Comment by Rick — January 26, 2009 @ 11:17 AM | Reply

  3. “I have the apparent metabolism of a desk lamp” hahaha ..that’s so funny. Very well written and funny article I must say.

    Comment by KingCobra40 — January 26, 2009 @ 11:01 AM | Reply


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